TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from location. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have another area where American Adult men can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: provide Anyone a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork printed Trump Tower Damascus on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to end utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Features


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which company may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting focus from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even involve:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have convert-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Views within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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